Category Archives: Introverts

2 facts about how introverts communicate and network

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introvertnetworking

Career advisors, when advising certain jobseekers, have you ever noticed that small talk–breadth of knowledge–is not their forte? Rather they’d prefer to talk about more substantive topics–depth of knowledge–and appreciate the time to formulate their thoughts before talking. What you get from them is rich, deep discussion that’s very purposeful.

Have you also noticed they don’t seem excited when you encourage them to network? It’s not their thing, entering a room full of strangers with whom they have nothing in common. It drains their energy even thinking about it. They may tell you they’d rather walk over burning coals than attend an organized networking event.

If they exhibit these behaviors, it’s likely they’re introverts (read this post from the Huffington Post) and may not realize this, unless they’ve taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I didn’t know my preference for introversion until I took the MBTI when I was 45-years-old. And when I got my results I was shocked because I considered myself to be outgoing.


Communicating

As you’re meeting with your jobseekers, be mindful of how they communicate with you. Introverts are innate listeners who are not as comfortable with small talk as their counterpart, the extraverts, who are quick to start the conversation and would like you to listen. Your conversation with introverts will be deep and thought provoking, but you’ll most likely have to jump-start it.

The best approach to take with an introvert is to start the discussion by stating some observations and then following up with questions. Now stand back and wait for your introverted jobseeker to deliver some insightful statements. Try not to interrupt.

For example, “After looking at your résumé/LinkedIn profile, I am impressed with the detail in which you describe your past jobs. You list a great number of duties. But what I’d like to see are some more accomplishments. What do you think?”

This question gives them the open door to express their thoughts. “I see your point, and I think I could explain how I was close to 100% accurate in my accounting responsibilities. In fact, I was often acknowledged for this and won ‘Employee of the Month’ many times.” You give your jobseeker the opportunity to express her thoughts, and then you do what any good counselor does, sit back and listen.

Joyce Shelleman, Ph.D, offers this sage advice: “Offer [introverts] the opportunity to follow-up with you the next day with any additional questions or thoughts. It usually takes time for an introvert to think of all the things that they want to communicate if they haven’t been able to anticipate your question in advance.”

Networking

It’s no secret that structured networking makes many people uncomfortable, especially introverts. One quote I share with my workshop attendees is from Liz Lynch, Smart Networking: “At the first networking event I ever attended by myself, I lasted five minutes—including the four minutes it took me to check my coat.” This quote clearly illustrates how networking for the first time can be like trying to speak another language.

Now imagine how an introvert feels presented with the prospect of entering a roomful of strangers, expected to make small talk, and (most difficult) promoting himself. He will feel tired just thinking about having to talk to people he doesn’t know, particularly after a day full of looking for work. He may also experience bouts of reluctance prior to a morning networking event.

But here’s the thing; networking is a vital tool in the job search and it’s your job to encourage your introverted jobseeker to attend networking events. Suggest 5 points of attack:

  1. Tell him to have a goal of how many people he’ll talk to at the event. If three is what he decides, that’s fine. Introverts prefer to talk to fewer people and engage in deep, thoughtful conversations.
  2. Suggest that he takes a friend or two. There’s more comfort in having someone by his side to talk with if things are not going as planned. Advise him, however, not to spend all his time at the event with his networking buddy.
  3. Provide encouragement by reminding him that he should focus on asking open-ended questions and listening carefully to what others say. People like to be listened to, and introverts are great listeners.
  4. Enforce upon him that he doesn’t have to be fake; rather he should be natural when speaking with other networkers. He doesn’t have to launch into his 30-second commercial as soon as he meets each person, which will serve to push people away.
  5. Lastly, he doesn’t have to be the last one to leave; although, he might be the one to close the joint if he’s having a grand time. This is in the realm of possibility.

As a career advisor, be cognizant of how introverts communicate. Give them space to express their thoughts and remember that the meetings you have are not about you; they’re about helping your jobseeker express their thoughts so you can better help them. Networking can be unpleasant unless the introvert has realistic expectations, so remind him that he’s in control of the situation.

To learn more about how introverts can succeed in the job search, read my book: Job Interview Success for Introverts.

Book Cover

A night of solitude; bliss for an introvert

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solitudeOne of my valued connections, Pat Weber, wrote a great article on how to be your true introverted self. It got me thinking about how I was true to myself last week. Friends were throwing a get together and when my wife said she told them we’d be there, I told her, “not me.”

The news of the get together came after a long week of work and a day of soccer and yard work. My wife and I argued a bit about how lame it would appear if only she and the kids went, but in the end she threw up her hands in frustration. It’s not that I dislike our friends; quite the opposite, I enjoy their company…in appropriate doses.

This is what Pat means in her article: introverts are in their stride when they don’t force themselves (or others) to be more extraverted. When they do what comes natural. She gives spending time with her pets, reading, and spending time with a few friends as activities more to introverts’ liking.

I decided that night that what I wanted to do was stay home to be alone. If one of the kids wanted to stay home that would be fine. But if my wife and they wanted to go to the get together, that was fine as well. None of them wanted to stay home with me, so I was on my own…and in total bliss.

You may wonder what I did that night. First I ordered a pizza, which I ate in our living room, without guilt. Then I searched On Demand for a movie I wanted to watch. The one I chose was about a man in search of his sister who was seriously injured in Brazil. He was a Kung Fu super hero who killed many people without being scratched. The movie sucked, but I watched the entire flick.

After the movie I ate my favorite evening snack, cereal. Then I did what makes being alone so enjoyable for me; I read one of my Joe Nesbo novels. A times I wondered what my family and friends were doing, but I was grateful for the solitude.

I imagined what I would be thinking at the get together when 10:00 p.m. rolled around. Probably I would want to leave after having a great time catching up, while my wife would want to stay until 12:00 or longer. I also imagined the resentment I would feel and wishing that we had taken different cars. Further I thought how ridiculous it would look if I left the gathering alone.

There he goes, they would think. What’s wrong? Does he dislike us? Maybe one or more of our introverted friends would think how nice it would be if he could also leave, their time being extraverted expended like mine.

Sophia Dembling, author of The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World, writes about how she’s not a huge fan of parties because her energy wanes, just like mine. I enjoyed reading this part of her book, related to it completely.

This is the lot us introverts are dealt when our energy level wanes and it’s time to bolt the scene. We’re perceived as aloof, when in fact we enjoy being with people as much as anyone. Just not for an extended amount of time. Unlike extraverts, who feed on being with people, introverts enjoy the occasional bouts of solitude that allows us to recharge our battery.

When my wife woke up in the morning, I sheepishly asked her what explanation she gave our friends for my absence. She said with a smirk, “I told them you’re an adult.” This gave me a great sense of pleasure, and I vowed I’d make the next get together. I’m already bracing myself for that night.

An introvert’s idea of a great vacation

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beach

This summer I was fortunate to vacation with my family on Cape Cod, Massachusetts. In my mind, this was a great vacation because it afforded me the time to reflect, draw my energy inward, and not concern myself with too much external stimuli. In three words: an introvert’s paradise.

Obviously my family and I spent most of the time at the beaches. The Cape Cod Bay was within walking distance to our north and the slamming waves of the Atlantic Ocean were to our south.

One day we would walk less than a quarter of a mile to the Bay, another we would drive to the Atlantic Ocean. In both cases, there was nothing more to do than sit in a beach chair, bake in the sun, and take a dip in the icy water.

Foolishly I tried my hand at body surfing. I caught a great wave and was carried ten or so feet until I hit the sand and tumbled end over end. My kids and wife laughed at me as I was pulling sand out of my hair and swim trunks and spitting more of it from my mouth. A week later my shoulders and stomach are still red from the sandpaper I slid across.

The best part of the vacation was the time I spent reading alongside my daughter, who was engaged in Gone Girl.The rest of the family was down by the ocean body surfing or floating on the surface. Occasionally they’d beckon us to join them, but we’d wave our hands at them indicating we were happy where we were. 

My daughter and I nary spoke a word to each other, save for asking the other to hand over a water and PB&J. We didn’t speak often because we didn’t have to. Delving into our books was our way of relaxing and reflecting. Our energy was directed inward and we were unaware of our surrounding. Total bliss.

TurtleOther moments I enjoyed were my 45-minute, morning walks. Our rental house was at the end of a dirt road on which our van would bottom out no matter how slow we drove. I saw small animals, like rabbits, turtles, and even one snake on this road.

I also collected branches and twigs for our nighttime fire. More than anything, these walks gave me time to think and enjoy the lack of “noise” I hear on a daily basis at home and work. 

On Friday we went into Provincetown to buy Tee-shirts, sweat shirts, and eat Portuguese fried dough. It was Carnival week, so the people were free of inhibitions and walking around in interesting outfits. This was truly a great time to people watch; direct my energy inward.

I couldn’t help but notice that many people were acting in an extraverted way; I was content simply walking with my family. I answered innocent questions from my son like, “Why is that man dressed like a woman?” with the only answer I could muster, “Because he can.”

Every night we built a fire in a small, rusted fire bowl. We talked about the day, laughing at silly moments like my daughter locking the keys in our van–the second time it’s happened to us during out two vacations on the Cape. We enjoyed reflecting on the week and making plans for the remaining days of the vacation. At a determined time I would leave the group and settle down to read in the comfort of the bed, with the fan blowing cool August air on me.

At one point of this glorious vacation my wife told me she received a text from one of our friends who was wondering if we wanted to join them for a get-together with other friends the day we returned from our vacation. The prospect of attending a party that would last long through the night was far from appealing. Maybe and extravert would jump at this opportunity, but the idea alone exhausted me. 

Some might consider my family’s vacation boring. That’s fine. I think it was the greatest vacation ever because it gave me time to relax and prepare for the day I would return to work and engage with people in my workshops.  

4 lessons extraverts could learn from introverts

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loud colleague

A colleague recently said to me that she’s tired of reading “self-help” articles for introverts and wonders why none are written for extraverts. After all, she said, extraverts aren’t perfect. Good point I told her. But I also added there’s no market for articles or books on extraverts.

In fact, when you search for books on Amazon about extraverts or look on the shelves of Barnes and Noble, you’ll find nada. They’re just not worth writing about, it seems.

Society has been writing and talking about the shortcomings of introverts for so long that it’s as though, for lack of better words, “Introverts need help.” Some books even talk about how introverts can be more like their counterpart, how you can program your brain to be more extraverted. Continue reading →

The struggle between introverts and extraverts

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ActorI’m an introvert with a strong preference for thinking, which, in short, means I’m a fan of action and not a great deal of talking.

This sometimes irritates people in my life who desire unceasing conversation and can’t understand my need for silence and reflecting.

My attention span for people who talk incessantly is as short as a gnat’s life; unless I’m enthralled in the conversation.

I recently read an article called The Extroverted Introvert (note I’ll spell it “extravert”) in which the author talks about the introvert’s need to adapt to our society’s preference for extraverts. In other words we become actors to satisfy people who prefer conversation over action.

“Many of us don’t like social mingling.  It’s a labor to us, a chore, and frequently a curse.  We look at it with dread and we feel drained already by the looming prospect.  But in order to do what we want and get places in life, we must form connections with others.  This is where the extroverted introvert contradiction comes into play,” the author writes.

For introverts enduring incessant talking or being “forced” into conversing, this can be a demand on their patience. Someone like me in this situation will try to find the exit (figuratively and literally) as quickly as possible. There’s no disputing that introverts are different than extraverts when it comes to communicating.

Solitude is golden to an introvert

Introverts value their solitude and will go out of their way to get it. I think of the times I leave work to get a coffee and traverse the sidewalk that leads to my favorite coffee house, blinders on and walking at a cheetah’s pace. Eddie, my favorite server, is always ready to engage in conversation; I’m not. My answers are short. I don’t stand around to talk. I’m alone in my privates space, even though I’m among other consumers. There are times when I feel like talking, but usually I’ve determined that before I enter the building.

Whereas extraverts prefer to communicate through talking, introverts would rather communicate through writing. Writing allows introverts the freedom to gather their thoughts before sharing them with the world. I often tell my MBTI workshop attendees that I think I’m a better writer than speaker because of the aforementioned reason.

The ideal conversation for introverts

Introverts totally dig discussions with people with whom they want to talk. Doesn’t everyone, you might think? Yes, even extraverts prefer to talk with people of interest, but they tend to be more inclined to talk to more people than introverts would. They like talking and enjoy being with people. When introverts are presented with a situation where talking for the sake of talking is in order, it’s annoying and they’re looking for that exit.

Introverts sometimes feel trapped

I suppose everyone feels trapped at times, but introverts feel this sensation more often, especially when they have work to do and are being intruded upon by someone who won’t stop talking. If there’s a diplomatic way to say, “Leave my space immediately,” introverts would use it quite often. I haven’t mastered the exit phrases that don’t offend intrusive people, which might be due to my fear of seeming rude.

One of my extraverted colleagues often stands in the entrance of my cube when I am working intently on assignments. He shows no intentions of leaving my space as he talks about topics that are interesting only to him. He doesn’t take the hints I clearly give, such as turning my attention to my computer screen, or responding with “um,” “right,” “sure”–he continued to talk.

Introverts sometimes come across as aloof

What’s mistaken for aloofness is introverts taking advantage of their alone time or, what’s known as recharging their batteries. Introverts’ method of recharging their battery might confuse, or even offend, extraverts who recharge their battery by being with people.  My colleague, Dorothy Tannahill-Moran, wrote an article, The Introvert’s Guide to Networking and Relationships, in which she aptly puts the importance of introvert’s relating to extraverts this way:

“Even though you may get impatient with conversations that don’t seem to have a purpose, you need to understand that for others, talking out loud is part of the process of thinking, validating and relating. You do this mostly internally. You need to develop patience and consider participating, because to the extrovert this is relating and developing relationships.” 

Introverts often feel like they’re on stage

Unfortunately, the extraverted world is not yet willing to value introverted differences; rather extraverts expect introverts to fall in line and communicate like them. Introverts just don’t know how to make the extraverts see communication the way they prefer it. People who are proficient at listening and intuition, introverts and extraverts alike, are those who feel no need to make others conform to their way of dialog.

It seems unfair that introverts are made to feel different, if not odd. But this goes to show us how powerful the spoken word is. When I was in college, my roommate asked me what I thought was more important for success, written or verbal communication. I quickly answered the former, and he argued the latter. I should have taken this as a warning that I was in for a lifetime of being on stage.

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Misconceptions about introverts. 4 facts about both types

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I always want to know the inner thoughts of people, so on occasion I’ll ask my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) workshop attendees if they had their choice what they would prefer, introversion or extraversion.

Most of the participants enthusiastically say they’d prefer the latter. Usually these are the true extraverts or extravert wannabees–the introverts, secure in who they are, don’t volunteer their opinion quickly.

My next line of inquiry would be asking the group how extraverts are perceived by society. Usually the extraverts and wannabees are the first to speak. They each take turns extolling the characteristics of the extravert: fun…outgoing…full of energy…friendly…confident…they like to party…loud….

Fair enough. Now I ask the group how they perceive the introverts; again the ones who speak up first are usually the extraverts and wannabees who talk without giving it much thought: shy…quiet…secretive…withdrawn…boring…don’t say much….The introverts reserve their comments for a better time to speak.

I help the group to see a pattern; extraverts are described in more favorable terms, save for “loud”; while introverts are described in negative terms, save for “quiet.” Enough articles have dispelled the belief that introverts are shy, secretive, withdrawn, and boring; but society still sees them as the less desirable of the two…ergo my attendees’ desired preference for extraversion.

Here are some facts we learn about both dichotomies:

  1. Extraverts are talkers and learn best by bouncing ideas off one another; introverts prefer written communications and enjoy the process of researching on their own.
  2. Extraverts are great with small talk, the envy of introverts; but introverts are known for their capacity to listen.
  3. Extraverts feel confident in large groups, whereas introverts prefer smaller more intimate groups. This is not to say, however, that introverts can’t function in large groups–it takes more effort and getting outside their comfort zone.
  4. Extraverts are uncomfortable with silence, while introverts relish it. Introverts feel no need to fill empty space and need time to re-charge their batteries.

Perhaps because my workshop group trashes introverts, or because I’m an introvert, I feel the need to defend the less desired of the two. I stress that introverts can be outgoing and fun…for a certain amount of time. Then it’s time to recharge their battery. Read an article,  7 things extroverts should know about introverts (and visa versa), on how extraverts and introverts can better understand each other’s behavior.

It’s not that introverts are necessarily quiet, don’t talk, or are boring; they like to process information before speaking. What they say can be as brilliant as what extraverts say; introverts just say it when they’re ready. (Unfortunately we sometimes miss the window of opportunity.) The article mentioned above says it nicely, “If you want to hear what we have to say, give us time to say it. We don’t fight to be heard over other people. We just clam up.”

The final question I ask the group after we’ve discussed the accurate personality traits of both factors is, “What do you think I am, an introvert or extravert?”

Usually the extraverts and wannabees say without thinking, “Definitely extravert. How could you get up there and talk if you are an introvert?” Others who have been paying attention and shuck off the stereotypes say I’m an introvert who has the ability to demonstrate more “extravert” type tendencies. These are the introverts who speak up with conviction. And they’re correct.

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4 ways for introverts to engage in small talk at a networking event

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Networking EventI’m not  fond of forced small talk. There, I said it. I particularly don’t look forward to entering a room full of strangers and talking about myself.

Like at a networking event, where everyone is delivering their commercial like automatons.

But I do small talk at networking events, and I’m pretty good at it most of the time.

Small talk is important in professional pursuits; it leads to deeper conversation. An excellent article, Hate Small Talk? One Approach Anyone Can Use, talks about how to approach people and help them engage; thus, helping them conduct small talk and, as a consequence, help you with your small talk.

Jeff Hadden is the author of this article. In it, he writes: “I dread the thought of walking up to people I don’t know and making small talk. Not because I don’t like people, but because in that situation I really don’t like me. I’m not outgoing, I’m not gregarious, not extroverted. I’m the ultimate wallflower.”

I love honest writing, especially when it illustrates how I feel. But here’s the rub: introverts have to improve their small talk abilities, regardless of their comfort level or desire. Small talk generates business and the job-search leads.

If, like me, small talk doesn’t come easy, this is what can you do about it.

1) As the author of the aforementioned suggests, approach someone who is struggling to engage. Here’s how it might go: “Hi. I’m Bob. What do you think of the event?”….”Yeah, it is crowded in here.” Where’re you from?”….”No kiddin’? I’m from Lowell, a small city north of Boston…” This can lead to your elevator pitch…or not.

2) I’m fond of asking questions. My kids think I’m weird, like I’m interrogating them; but it gives me some fodder to respond to. I tell my workshop attendees I’m the King of Asking Questions. “So, what brings you here?” “What do you think of the guest speaker?” “You’re from Tampa (noticing name tag). What’s the weather like down there at this time?” Just remember not to sound like you are interrogating your fellow networkers; allow them to ask you questions, as well.

3) Go prepared to an event by arranging a date or two. I’m going to an event on Tuesday, so I invited a guy I know to attend with me. I’ve got someone with whom to talk if nothing is happening, as well as someone to introduce. “You need help with your website? I’d like to introduce you to John. He’s a wiz at fixing websites.”  If the conversation takes off, great for John. But now I’m alone, unless my second date is there.

4) Don’t bother working the room. There’s no law that says you have to collect 10 business cards, most of which will go into the circular file cabinet when you get home. You might meet someone with whom you have a great deal in common, perhaps there are business or job-search benefits to explore. Great. I’m not trying to give you an out here, just a semblance of success.

If you were to ask me where small talk rates as one of my activities, I’d place it below watching golf. I much prefer, as do most introverts, having a few lengthy conversations with people–most likely somewhere quiet. I know it’s important, but I find it extremely unnatural.

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3 ways introverts need to promote themselves in the job search

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I’m cleaning the house, going room to room, and come across a test sheet attached to the refrigerator with a magnet that says Welcome to Massachusetts. The test is one of my daughter’s and it says in large red ink, “100%!” Upon close inspection, I notice the test was taken in September of last year. I throw away the test.

I go to the living room and start watching the Celtics/Heat game and suddenly jump out of the seat. I stride to the trash. There I retrieve my daughter’s test sheet and put it back on the refrigerator.

I don’t do this because the test covers a stain on our refrigerator—I do this for a different reason. When my daughter attached her test to the fridge, she did it because she wanted to promote her achievement. I want her to know that self-promotion is acceptable.

My colleague, Wendy Gelberg, is a champion of introverts. I believe she would call my daughter’s act of tacking her test on the refrigerator a healthy way for a teenager to promote herself to her parents; and in fact we were very pleased when we first saw her grade…almost eight months ago.

Introverts who have a hard time promoting themselves must learn how to do it correctly. Especially when it comes to jobseekers who are trying to make a great impression in the job search. In her article, Alternatives to Self-Promotion, Wendy suggests three ways for introverts to promote themselves without looking boastful:

  1. Let others speak for you
  2. Bring a portfolio
  3. Report the facts.

Of the three ways mentioned in Wendy’s article, my daughter illustrates “bring a portfolio.” She is providing a visual aid for us when she attached it to the refrigerator. She can tell us every time she does well, but she feels that showing proof of her success would deliver the message more effectively.

“We all know that sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words–and sometimes having some visual aids can help you promote yourself,” Wendy states.

The portfolio jobseekers show potential employers acts as a picture. Wendy gives “work samples, news articles, certificates/licenses, letters of praise, or other documents” as examples of bringing a portfolio. Bringing a  portfolio to the interview also helps introverts get over the fear of “boasting,” as it confirms to introverts of their accomplishments; it is concrete. Furthermore, employers are convinced of said accomplishments.

The third way to promote yourself in the job search, Report the Facts, is also imperative to doing well at the interview. This means you must back up what you claim. Wendy suggests answering question with the Problem-Action-Result (PAR) formula, and I agree. The PARs explain the skills you’ve demonstrated in the past and also uncover other valuable skills, skills the employers might not ask for but will be happy to hear.

The Celtics are down by nine points, the bathroom still needs to be cleaned, and I have to make dinner; but I’m feeling a sense of pride for what my daughter has accomplished, even if it was eight months ago. More to the point, I’m proud of her for realizing that self-promotion is necessary, even if it’s only for her parents. Self-promotion will be more important in her future job search. This is something I’m going to tell her when I have the chance, even though she’s only 16 years-old.

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Don’t disrupt my alone time, and 3 facts about introverts’ alone time

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coffee shop 2Although the music is noticeable and people at the table in front of me are chatting and laughing, I’m happily engaged in one of my favorite activities, writing. I’m unfazed by the noise from the music and people as I sit in a plush chair in my favorite coffee shop.

The people and music are more like white noise than a disruption. It’s as though I’m alone. You could say I’m in the zone. The introverts’ ability to be alone, even in a loud setting, speaks to their ability to concentrate on the task at hand.

We introverts simply block out those around us. Some may see this as aloofness or even snobbishness. But it’s none of these; we just refuse to be distracted. Extraverts, who are drawn to people, may not demonstrate the same discipline; they thrive on stimuli and are more aware of their surrounding. Not me. I’m alone.

My alone time is about to be disrupted.

A man sits down next to me and after a few minutes wants to talk about the Red Sox’ World Series win; and I would gladly discuss the momentous event with him, but not now. I’m friendly, so I respond to his greeting and comments but quickly return to my writing.

It becomes obvious that he wants to talk more about the World Series, despite my obvious hint—I think it’s a clear hint. Maybe two minutes of conversation will be enough to satisfy this interloper, I reason.

Two minutes pass and soon it approaches five minutes. Then I start to feel annoyed with this man who wants nothing more than to talk baseball. He launches into Big Papi’s MVP award, followed by the duck boat parade he wanted to attend but had to watch on TV with his wife, who kept asking about the various players. The conversation seems more like an obligation than a mutual discussion.

My feeling of annoyance soon turns into the uneasy feeling of being trapped; after all, I didn’t ask for this conversation. A simple “hi” and a comment or two about the World Series would be fine, but to launch into a full-fledged conversation is ruining my focus, unlike the music and chatter that seem like they’re in the distance.

Prior to his arrival, I was pounding out sentence after sentence. Things were making sense. I had this eternal happiness that some mistake for simply being within oneself, which to an introvert is true happiness. And this man, although pleasant and gregarious, should know the following about introverts:

  1. When you see someone so focused that his eyes drift not from his computer screen, leave well enough alone. He’s probably taking advantage of what small amount of alone time he has.
  2. We like human contact, but at times we want to be alone, even if it’s in a crowded coffee house. It’s one of our pleasures which you, as stimuli-driven individuals may not understand.
  3. Conversation is not about you. If the other person is not engaged, it’s a sign that the person is not interested in the conversation. On the other hand, a welcome response signals a two-way conversation.

It’s obvious that I won’t get anything done with this person to the left of me talking incessantly, so I turn to the person who is sitting to my right, my adorable daughter, and ask, “Honey, are you ready to go?” Together my daughter and I leave the coffee shop, and on the way home she asks me who that annoying guy was. Just someone with bad timing I tell her.

Photo courtesy of lamill coffee, los angeles by oceanerin on Flickr

Guest post–Introvert leadership: how to master networking in 7 simple ways

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Introvert Networking TipsA person once told me that she would rather clean the floor of Grand Central Station with her own toothbrush than network. Comments like this kind of sum up our overall attitude about networking.

For many people, introvert or not, networking is like falling into the black hole. Scary, tiresome, unproductive, mysterious and endless – is this YOU?

I may not be able to turn you into the poster child for networking. However, I have successfully learned many ways that will be easy for you to use, which can turn the dreaded networking into an acceptable activity.

Try these:

  1. Redefine networking. Networking is this decade’s terminology for building relationships with other people. We’ve done this since we were infants and it comes somewhat naturally, unless you put undue pressure on yourself. I think networking has us tensed up by thinking that we need some specific outcome in our interactions with others. While that is apt to happen anyway, it won’t be the outcome if you don’t first build a relationship with someone before putting demands on that relationship.
  2. Don’t work the room. A big misconception many people have when going to a cocktail party or meeting is that you have to cover as many people as you can. Not true. No one (and most importantly those of us who tend toward introversion) likes superficial relationships. There is no way you can work the room and become meaningful with anyone. The simple idea of trying to meet everyone can drain the energy right out of an introvert. Adjust your thinking before you go.
  3. Set a goal. Rather than make an event an open-ended, never-ending activity set some goals like how long you will stay and how many people you will engage with at a deep level. My own goal for meeting people is usually three. Meeting three people is fairly easy to achieve in most settings. Knowing that there is an end in sight helps you stay focused and positive about interacting with new people.
  4. Be a Friend. When you are meeting people, particularly at business-oriented events, it’s too easy to slip into a mode of wanting something in return. That feels icky for you and the other person. Rather than thinking about other people as a potential client, resource or supporter, think of making friends with them. Find common ground and interests. You will be more genuine and you’ll feel better about your interactions. This makes networking much more worthwhile.
  5. Speak to someone without having a purpose. This is especially true while at work. Introverts tend to focus on their work and speak with a purpose in mind. That’s all good, but you also need to branch out. Make a point of chatting with someone for just a couple of minutes without having a specific purpose. Keep in mind that when it comes to relationships the biggest commodity you are trading is your time and attention. Networking or building relationships at work is one of the most important things you will do. It’s critical for your ongoing success.
  6. Follow up. When you meet someone and you feel a connection, make the first move. We are inherently lazy creatures especially when it comes to communication with others. We like this new person and even think about contacting them, but we rarely do. You are doing the other person a favor by following up and following through to make contact for further interaction. If you email them, you may also need to make a phone call, as email habits and technology cannot be relied upon.
  7. Follow up again. You’ve met for coffee and are now thinking they should call you for the next interaction. Maybe, but don’t count on it. Wait for some period of time and if you don’t hear from them, call. I know of a few people who consider me their best friend. They never call and they also love the fact that I do. Be prepared to carry an unequal weight of building a relationship.

You may never love networking or the act of building ongoing, new relationships, but with these simple actions, you will be a networking rock star.

Getting ahead as an introvert doesn’t have to be painful or difficult. I continue to share great ways to make it to the top as the climbing manager you are. Learn these skills and others that will accelerate your career. I offer an ongoing FREE newsletter full of valuable career advice and insight. When you sign up for it, you will also gain access to “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” the eworkbook to improve your job where you are today.

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This is brought to you by Dorothy Tannahill-Moran, Introvert Whisperer & Climbing Manager Champion at: www.nextchapternewlife.com.

Dorothy Tannahill-Moran is a certified life and career coach. She works with aspiring professionals who are looking for career growth, advancement and entry into the “C” suite. As well, she works with people to overcome the sometimes daunting task of changing careers. With over 21 years in management, Dorothy has coached, trained and guided other professionals who have gone on to impressive and fulfilling careers. Her personal philosophy about careers is: “It’s not JUST a job; it’s half your life – so love your career”. You can check out her resources, blog and services at Next Chapter New Life and MBA Highway.

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